Opinion: Zardoz Speaks to You, His Chosen Ones
By Zardoz, ReMIND Magazine contributor
The following commentary has been edited for clarity and length.
Zardoz speaks to you, his chosen ones.
You have been raised up from brutality, to kill the brutals who multiply, and are legion.
To this end, Zardoz your god gave you the gift of the gun. The gun is good!
The penis is evil! The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was.
But the gun shoots death and purifies the Earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth, and kill!
Zardoz has spoken.
Oh, hey! Almost forgot: I brought you guys some more guns and ammo. Enjoy!
Wait. Are you? Oh, man! You totally are! James Bond! I loved you in Goldfinger! So tell me the truth: Did you and Honor Blackman ever get it on? I mean…
Oh, wow. I’m sorry. This is just really embarrassing. I’m like totally fanboying out here when I’m supposed to be your god and stuff.
So, uh, I guess that’s about it for now, gang! Thanks again for the grain and the human sacrifices and stuff.
Keep up the good work! Gotta fly now! See ya!
Can’t wait to get back to the Vortex and tell Consuella that I actually met James Bond!! She’s gonna freak!
WHAT THE HELL? Who’s in here? How’d you get in here? You’re not supposed to—
TM and Copyright (c) 20th Century Fox Film Corp. All rights reserved.
James Bond! Oh, crap. … I don’t know who left these naked people in plastic wrap all over the place. They must belong to my roommate, Arthur. He’s into some kinky stuff. There was this one time me and Arthur and Friend were hanging out in the Tabernacle going to Second Level with some of the Eternal chicks and—
ARTHUR! You’re here! Good to see you, bruh! Hey, look! Look who I brought! Bond. James Friggin’ Bond!
Wait! Put down the gun, dude! There’s no need for that! Stop kidding around here, man! This ain’t no Dr. No or whatever!
AW, DAMN!! YOU SHOT HIM! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SHOT ARTHUR! This bad news, man. Bad friggin’ news!
I would totally turn myself around and fly your ass back to the wasteland if I knew how, but Arthur’s got me on autopilot or something. So we’re both in a world of screwed! Thanks a lot, you trigger-happy asshat! When I told you to kill people, I didn’t mean kill them INSIDE OF MY HEAD!
We’re about to land in the Vortex. Just @#$% great. James Bond is going to be running all over the place in his undies doing God knows what, and it’s going to be all my fault. Consuella’s totally going to chew my ass for this, I just know it.
@#$% my life.
Zardoz is a nationally syndicated columnist and graven image from the year 2293.
1974 (50 Years Ago)
January 2024
In this time capsule issue of ReMIND Magazine we look back 50 years ago to 1974!
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